Nightmarish Undertaking
by GoldenRaptor
Summary: When Arceus groups everyone up to send them on an important mission, Darkrai is stuck with none other then Mew and Raikou... and their odd Porygon - Z companion. How does one survive countless obstacles with the help of a couple of morons?


This is what happens when I have too much coffee… XD I was planning on making this an oneshot, but I had to many ideas to do that, so it'll be a short story now. You have been warned…creepy obsessed Porygon-Z, randomness, slower than usually Mew and Raikou, some vulgar language ESPECIALLY when dealing with Zapdos, and a very… very narcissistic OOC Arceus… at least he's EXTREMELY OOC by my standards. O.O

There are also some other very OOC legends such as Articuno, Azelf and Giratina. Also, there are some comments or behavior that my prove offensive to certain people, so if you're easily offended I don't recommend this fic to you. Its not like CRAZY offensive, but some people just don't like a lot of swears or anythign a long those lines. Also, I know this is humor/adventure, but romance also ties into this.

Disclaimer: If I owned Pokemon I would be a multimillion air with a Mercedes, a Mansion, Lobster with every meal and a pink Rhinoceros… but judging from the fact that I don't have any of that… I'm gonna have to say I don't own Pokemon. ;)

* * *

"What a night… finally I can get some sleep." The nocturnal Pokemon, better known as Darkrai mumbled as he lay down in his bed of leaves. It was rather quiet in his dark, secluded cave, located on New Moon island. No one typically visited here, and so it was rather peaceful. The phantom put his arms behind his head and slowly shut his eyes. The peaceful sound of the breeze outside was the only noisehe could hear outside, and it was enough draw him in. He found himself drifting off into sleep. However, the instant he had drifted off, his slumber was disturbed by a peculiar beeping noise close by. The white haired phantom opened his eyes to see a pink – plastic looking Pokemon peering down at him with psychotic, swirling yellow eyes. The well known, manly Pokemon of doom jumped from his bed screaming like a little girl in the process.

"DON'T EAT ME!! I'M LOW IN PROTEIN!!!" The dark type cried throwing his claws up defensively, huddling in the corner of his cave. He peered through his fingers to see that his intruder was a normal type, a Porygon-Z to be exact. Darkrai knew this peculiar Pokemon to be a friend of RaikouandMew, and also knew him to be stalker who never gave him a moment of piece.

"Elroy loves watching you sleep Rai – Chan. So fascinating…" The normal type beamed hoverign above the dark types head. The phantom's azure eyes grew wide as he qucikly regained his form. Darkrai slapped a claw to his face and groaned.

"What the hell Elroy! Can't I get a moment of shut eye without you doing something freaky to wake me up!?"

"Oh, so sorry Rai – Chan. Elroy's sincerest apologies. Elroy will watch you sleep quietly next time." Darkrai grimaced.

"How bout not watching me? It's creepy to know someone's... staring at me while I'm sleeping… do you understand?" Darkrai question. Elroy paused for a second, as if to think over the phantoms words, before beginning to shake violently. Its head spun out, doing a thirty degree spin before looking Darkrai dead in the eye with the same blank expression as before.

"No sir, Elroy does not." Darkrai inched away from the Porygon evolution.

"Man, you are one creepy Pokemon."

"Thank you sir." At that very moment, a white light caught Darkrai's eye in the entrance of his cave. The nightmare bringer squinted as he struggled to see past the blinding light. Suddenly, Raikou and Mew literally came _flying _into Darkrai's cave, tackling the phantom to the ground. Darkrai growled rubbing the back of his head – which he had slammed into the rock wall upon falling. The light was coming from Raikou's body, it appeared as if the electric type had taught himself flash for the exploration of dark caves. Both him and Mew searched the area wildly.

"DARKRAI!! WE GOTTA FIND HIM!!" Raikou – who was standing on top of Darkrai exclaimed. He winced as he felt the pressure of three hundred and ninety two pounds on his chest.

"GET OFF OF ME YOU IDIOT!!!!!"

"Darkrai!? Where are you buddy!?" Mew exclaimed this time, his large blue eyes not looking towards the sound of Darkrai's voice even once.

"I'M UNDERNEATH YOU!!!! GET UP, YOU'RE CRUSHING ME!" Raikou and Mew looked upward, to the left, right and pretty much everywhere but down.

"WE CAN'T FIND YOU!" Raikou cried out, causing Darkrai to useall of his might to shovethethunder tiger off of him. The massive, yellow tiger stumbled from the shove, but stood up and turned to see Darkrai picking himself up from the cold cave floor.

"Darkrai! There you are!" He exclaimed grinning broadly. Darkrai scowled, while using one of his clawed hands to brush the dirt from his ebony body. Elroy instantly buzzed over towards the two newcomers, doing a three hundred and sixty degree spin… err… happily I suppose?

"FRIENDS!" The Porygon-Z exclaimed laughing – or at least what sounded like a laugh. Raikou and Mew both laughed as well, leaving Darkrai out.

"…. Right….. so, what do you want?" He growled rubbing his eyes. The glare from Raikou's flash was hurting his light sensative eyes.

"Arceus is having a meeting today at the Sphere Pillar, he wants us all there." The pink kitten Pokemon laughed perching atop Raikou's head. Darkrai sighed.

"Great, I swear, I could loose brain cells listening to that idiot…I'm going back to bed."

"Aww, come on Darkrai! It'll be great! Groudon will be there, and Cresselia, and Giratina, and Cresselia, Celebi, and Cresselia, and CRESSELIA! Oh, did I mention Cresselia will be there?" Mew jeered poking the phantom with his tiny pink paw. Darkrai blushed furiously and swung a claw at Mew.

"So!" He snarled causing Mew and Raikou to giggle uncontrollably. Elroy buzzed towards Darkrai, looking him over curiously. A large scanner grew from the Pokemon's back, and he scanned the dark phantom once over.

"My scanners indicate increased levels of dopamine in the reward channel, indicating that Darkrai – Chan does in fact, have feelings for this 'Cresselia'." Darkrai's blue eyes grew wide. Raikou and Mew "Ooooo'd" at Elroy's discovery causing Darkrai to throw up his hands.

"What the hell! What goes on in my ….reward …channel is strictly none of your business!"

"You can't hide what's inside Rai – Chan." Elroy beeped. Darkrai growled.

"Well considering I've been doing it for years, I'm guessing I'm yet again the exception to the rule."

"So does that mean you like her?" The Raikou exclaimed. Darkrai snarled.

"No!" The phantom boomed. Raikou and Mew exchanged glances and snickers, causing Darkrai's face to grow hot. He turned away.

"So, shouldn't we be going to the assembly now?" He asked quickly changing the subject. Mew to snap his pink fingers together.

"Oh! That's what I was forgetting! We have to get going before Arceus starts without us."

"Can Elroy come too?" The Porygon – Z questioned, looking towards the three legendaries hopefully. Darkrai threw up a claw.

"No way! I'm not gonna be the one responsible for the destruction of the Hall of Origin!"

"Please Rai– Chan! Elroy will behave. Elroy will behave!"

"No!" Darkai snapped.

"Aww, come on Darkrai! Elroy will be good, and besides, look at him, he's soo cute and stuff!" Raikou butted in.

"Raikou, you do realize that its head is on upside down?" Raikou stomped a paw on the ground.

"So! What if my head was upside down?! Would you stop being my friend too!?"

"Raikou… I'm not your friend. As a matter of fact, I try my best to avoid you head upside down or not." Raikou rolled his crimson eyes.

"Oh whatever. Well, Elroy, don't listen to this meany! You can come if you want!" Raikougrinned wdily and chuckled.

"YAY! Elroy gets to see God!" Darkrai slapped his claw to his face

"Wonderful." He murmured.

* * *

Upon arriving to the Hall of Origin, the first thing Darkrai observed was Latios jetting by with flames consuming his head. Moltres was right behind him frantically trying to fan down the fire with his wings, which wasn't working considering the phoenix was covered in fire himself.

"Moltres I'm never playing extreme Simon says with you again!" Latios wailed before darting off with Moltres right behind him, trying his best to assist the flaming dragon.

"Okay…" Darkrai muttered as Mew and Raikou rolled on the ground laughing their heads off. Darkrai rolled his blue eyes and turned towards the rest of his legendary companions. Currently, everyone was going about their usual activates – Mewtwo was playing chess (or attempting to, rather) with Heatran, Suicune and Entei were mauling each other, Giratina was Jirachi writing a plan in the dirt titled "Arceus' Regicide", and Articuno was flirting with… everyone. Typical stuff.

"Where is Arceus God of Pokemon?" Elroy asked almost instantly. Raikou shrugged.

"Dunno yet Elroy. He's probably just running a little late. You'll just have to wait a little more." He said causing some disappointment in the normal type. Darkrai ran claw through his white hair, before bringing it to his face and yawning. A nocturnal creature like himself should not be awake at this hour.

The phantom scanned the area watching the various activates. His eyes shifted to Mewtwo, one of his few close friends. The purple, bipedal creature's glowing violet eyes watched lazily as Heatran starred down at the chess board. His large yellow eyes seemed slightly distressed.

"Uh…" The steel clad toad muttered in his low, dopey voice before taking a chess piece in his mouth and moving it all the way across the board.

"King me!" He laughed happily as Mewtwo slapped his paw to his forehead.

"FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME THERE IS NO KING ME IN CHESS!" He telekinetic voice exclaimed. Darkrai chuckled before turning his attention to Articuno, who was chatting rather loudly amongst Mesprit and Shaymin.

"OH MY GOD! Groudon is SOOO cute!" She practically shrieked making everyone, including Groudon turn their heads. The earthly dinosaur seemed to go a few shades redder as the ice bird shamelessly continued fangirling over him.

"I mean, he's absolutely cuddly and those eyes are hot hot HOT! They're to die for!" The arctic bird squealed putting her wind to her beak and giggling.

"I know! But Mew is WAY CUTER!" Shaymin chirped making Mew go red and put his paw behind his head.

"Ahaha, I know, I'm pimp." Mew laughed making Darkrai nearly break his ear drums purposely, just to block out all the idiotic conversations.

"Not as cute as Arceus though." Mespirit added.

"OH YES!! Arceus is the definition of H.O.T! He's as hot as they come! My heart melts every time me and him are within a mile of each other!" Articuno squealed fangirlishly making Darkrai gag.

"NO NO NO JIRACHI! We want to KILL him not paralyze him!" Darkrai heard Giratina exclaim to his left. He raised an eyebrow as the Pokemon of Death erased Jirachi's plan with his foot.

"Well, if he's paralyzed, wont it be easier to kill him?" The wish maker said scratching his head. Giratina thought for a while.

"You know… you're absolutely right!" He laughed as he began tracing the plan again. Darkrai shook his head.

"I wish them the best of luck."

"Hey, Darkrai, look, its your soul mate." Mew chimed in a sing – song tone of voice while pointing in the direction of the lunar swan. She had her head bowed gracefully and appeared to be taking a nap in mid-flight The pink cat Pokemon giggled madly and did a back flip in mid air as Darkrai began to blush.

"Yeah well…" Darkrai mumbled as his azure eyes scaled the area as if he was searching for a comeback. Just then, as if on cue,

"SUP DUDES!" A familiar voice wooped, cutting through the air and interrupting the various activities that had been going on. Everyone turned to the door of the hall of origin, which was currently flooded with an almost angelic glow - or at least, that'swhat the owner would call it. Everyone else just knew it to be dramatic and unnecessary. The Pokemon God came strutting through of the Hall of Origin. His golden hooves were shiny and bright, just like always, and they clicked on the floors as he walked.

"There's _your _soul mate." Darkrai announced pointing towards the God, making Mew fold his arms and pout.

"Very funny Darkrai." Mew moped as Darkrai chuckled slightly and Raikoubegan laughing a long. The tiger rose his paw for a friendly "high five" which Darkrai completely annoyed causing Raikou to pout as well. Darkrai's laughter was ended abruptly as Arceus broke through the crowd of Pokemon, pushing him aside as he did so. The phantom scowled and folded his arms, glaring fiercely at the back of the normal types head. Elroy followed behind the horse like beast, mesmerized and bemused. Mew was forced to grab the man- made Pokemon by the tail to prevent him from moving any further.

"No Elroy! Don't freak out Arceus you crazy nut!"

"Moveit dudes! Awesome God coming through! Hey, out of the way, God walking here! Excuse me, coming through, make way! Hey, make way there!" The God's booming voice interrupted all activities currently going on, and awakening the sleeping Cresselia. The lunar swan shook her head sleepily before looking towards the God, and then towards Darkrai. The lunar swan yawned aloud, covering her mouth with her magenta paw.

"Did I miss the speech?" She mumbled almost drunkenly. Darkrai shook his head.

"No… but If I were you I'd go back to sleep. Save your brain cells." He muttered causing Cresselia to giggle slightly, putting her dainty purple paw to her mouth. Darkrai could see Raikou and Mew behind Cresselia. The pink cat grinning and making a thumbs up and Raikou making a kissing face. The phantom rolled his eyes.

"Well, just make sure you pay attention, it might be important. And don't do anything to piss Arceus off, because you know he'll make you work with Raikou and Mew again. Ta ta." The Lunar swan chirped before making her way back into the crowd. Arceus perched himself upon a pedestal to make sure everyone could see how clean and silky his coat was – he'd spent the last four hours grooming it.

"So…" Arceus began – or at least he tried to begin. The legendaries were talking so loudly that no one could hear him. Arceus frowned deeply and began tapping his hoofimpateintly.

"Dudes." He announced a little bit louder, but the there only seemed to speak louder. Arceus growled and used a move – hyper voice, to project his voice through the crowd.

"HEY DUDES!!!" He boomed making the ground tremble. All of the legendaries looked his way, though they weren't particularly surprised. Arceus did this all the time.

"Well, as you know, I – Arceus the awesome God of total absolute awesome, ahaha, have called you all here today to discuss the evil that has like… befallen our fellow Pokemon and stuff."

"Well there goes about ten more of my valuable brain cells." Darkrai muttered beneath his breath.

"I'll have you all know… that while out walking on the most totally awesome day that these awesome Godly eyes have ever seen, I happen to fall upon, one of these shiny things!" Arceus said making a large, transparent orb appear out of mid air. The God was absolutely correct – the object was rather "shiny".

"Fellow legendaries, these shiny things, are no ordinary shiny things, they are the shiny things of doom, destruction and er… More doom! They are like, capturing our fellow Pokemon inside and forcing them to evolve, and that is SO not cool. Why are these feinds doing this? Well, as you all know, Pokemon give off this really, really mysterifying energy when they evolve, so these shiny things BOOM make the Pokemon evolve, and collect up all that awesome energy! So who could be so diabolical to do such a diabolical thing? Only the infamous Team EDWARD!!!" Everyone went silent and stared up at Arceus blankly. The normal type stared blankly back as he finally realized his error.

"Woops! Sorry dude, I just came back from the beach disguised with my totally sexy human form, and some babe was wearing this shirt... who wears a shirt at the beach on a hot day like today anyway? Other then old people... and losers... Anyway, TEAM GALACTIC!" At the mention of Team Galactic, many of the legendaries began to whisper amongst themselves. Mew tapped Darkrai on his shoulder, earning the dark types attention.

"Whisper whisper whisper." Mew whispered. Darkrai frowned.

"Mew what the hell are you doing?"

"Whisper whisper whisper whisper." The psychic cat continued. Darkrai slapped his claw to his forehead.

"Mew unless you have something to say." Darkrai sighed rolling his eyes. Mew laughed aloud.

"Sorry, it's just that everyone else was whispering so I wanted to too, but I couldn't think of anything to say."

"… okay…"

"SHHH!!! Elroy is listening to the God speak!" Elroy hissed without taking his eyes off of the Gods. Darkrai glanced at Mew.

"I think your friend's in love with Arceus…" He murmured as Mew and Raikou shrugged. The other legendaries slowly began to quiet down, at the sound of Arceus tapping his hoof on the ground. He nodded in approval and began to speak again.

"Anywho, after finding these, really, really shiny things, I did what any awesome God would do, and disabled the shiny sphere of shiny doom, using my totally awesome hyper voice. Now, what I need from you all is to go out and do the same thing! I already put you into groups of three! So, any questions before I group you little dudes?" Darkraiwas almost positive that he had died from loss of brain cells. He wasn't sure how anyone could listen to Arceus speak, and not want to enroll themselves in a four year college, or at least beat themselves with senseless hammer. The dark type searched the area, no one seemed to be asking any questions, at least until Uxie rose his hand.

"Uxie! My man, what's the question?" Arceus said with a goofie laugh. Uxie put down his hand.

"Well Arceus, I was just wondering. If the orbs capture Pokemon upon getting close to them, then how did you disable it?" The elf of wisdom questioned folding his hands neatly in front of him and curling his two tails as he listened attentively.

"Well Uxie, if you didn't overlook one really REALLY big detail, you'd know how I did it." Arcues scoffed. The lef paused.

"Oh, I did? What detail is that?" Uxie questioned, wondering how a being of such superior knowledge as himself could have managed to miss something so significant. Arceus straitened up.

"Its how totally awesome I am! Any other questions?" He laughed causing Uxie to frown. Shaymin rose her tiny paw in the air. When the God nodded for her to proceed with her question, she lazily let her paw drop and questioned in a bored tone,

"How long will this take?"

"Long as it takes Babe, next?" Shaymin scowled as Arceus turned away from her to scan for more questions. Zapdos rose her spiny yellow wing.

"Yeah, Arceus, how do we know were to find all of these orbs?"

"No clue. Next question?" Darkrai chuckled on the inside as he heard Zapdos curse under her breath. Arceus's answer obviously did not satisfy her. Darkrai rolled his eyes and put up his claw.

"Darky-rai! What's your question dude?"

"Yeah.. Arceus… why the hell are you so incredibly stupid?" Darkrai asked aloud. The other legendaries broke into laugh, but Arceus was obviously not amused.

"I'm sorry Darkrai, but I couldn't hear your question over the sound of how awesome I am. So anymore questions?" Darkrai folded his arms. His attempt at instigation had failed once again. The phantom looked toward the rest of the legendaries and watched as Jirachi raised his hand.

"Yeah, wish maker dude?" Arceus laughed. Jirachi let his hand drop and smiled sweetly.

"Yeah, Arceus, lets say I hypothetically wanted to kill you. What would be the best way to do that?" Everyone stopped and stared at the wish maker. Arceus blinked and pondered this for a while.

"You know, that's a really good question! I wouldn't know.. considering I've never tried to kill myself. Sorry little dude. Anymore questions?" Darkraifacepalmed at Arceus's sheer stupidity, before searching the area and watched as Groudon's massive claw went up

"Good! No more questions, time for groups!" Arceus boomed causing Groudon to pout and drop his crimson paw on the soil. Latias patted the dinosaur's arm.

"Don't worry Groudon, all of Arceus's answers are stupid anyway." She chuckled.

* * *

Arceus paired all of the legendaries by threes. Latios – who had finally stopped burning through the help of Kyogre, with Articuno and Suicune. Celebi was grouped with Uxie and Mewtwo. Zapdos with Kyogre and Azelf, and so on and so fourth. Darkrai watched in absolute agony as he watched Cresselia group with Entei and Palkia. The pink cosmic beast was proving to be much too flirty for the phantom's taste. He growled as he watched the pink reptile put an enormous arm around the lunar swan – who blushed slightly.

"That pig!" The phantom mumbled under his breath – unaware of the thunder tiger who was staring right behind him.

"Hey, Darkrai, why are you staring angrily at Palkia?" Raikou questioned, his white, bolt shaped tail flicking in curiosity. Darkrai folded his arms.

"I'm not!"

"Okay… then what are you doing?"

"I'm just… staring angrily for my amusement… and Palkia got in the way of my glare… um."

"Wow, you have no life huh?" Raikou grinned widely. Darkrai frowned.

"I'm about to Dark Void your ass."

"DUDES!" Arceus suddenly exclaimed making his way over to the small group of Pokemon.

"Well, considering you three are the only ones left, I guess you'll be working together! Isn't that awesome! You have the Pokemon Tower in Lavender Town, no digging up the dead now!" Arceus laughed before turning around to leave. Darkrai face palmed.

"I knew you would put me with these- hey wait! Where's your group? Aren't you going to search too?" Arceus laughed.

"Uh, no? I'm going surfing! Later dudes!" The God exclaimed before reverting to his human form – a teenaged boy with blond hair and a stereotypical "surfer" cut. Arceus hooted as he ran out of the hall of Origin, disappearing from site.

"God is very cool." Elroy blurted out causing Darkrai to give him an awkward look.

"Well, if he's cool… then I must be James Bond." Mew folded his arms.

"Darkrai, you're pretty cool and all, but I have to be honest with you… you're NO James Bond." Mew said as Raikou and Elroy nodded in agreement. Darkrai stared at Mew for a second, before face palming and sighing.

"I really… really, hate my life."

* * *

WEEEEE I did it! This'll be my first full humor story, though I don't expect it to be long. Please R&R.


End file.
